Tsukihime: Realistic
by KaoruAoiShiho
Summary: The more realistic version of Tsukihime with a less wimpy Shiki. Please be prepared for a better and more realistic text than Nasu prepared.
1. Chapter 1

The biggest problem with Tsukihime is how unrealistic it is and how Shiki is so weak and doesn't tell us what he wants doesn't take what he wants doesn't know what he wants etc. I am trying to write something more realistic. I hope this will be better than Nasu.

I don't own anything. If anyone wants this story they can claim it, but please first ask me OK?

I wake up today. I leave my house. Today is my last night at my house. My bags I don't take to school, they go to my new home.

School is far away. But it is not so far away that it conjures up endless dread.

At school I see strange girl with blue hair. She has medium sized boobs. I want to touch them, but she holds sharp sticks. My mental advances towards her is tickling at the midriffs of her mind, but she incomprehensibly stagnates at the sticks.

Naught to do but to proceed into the school. The school is boring, my friend Arihiko is boring. There is Sa- girl, but she is boring too. Very square, not like blue girl.

I go home, new home, which is different from old home. New home is massiver and higher up geographically, or at least topographically.

I see maid. Maid has medium size boobs. I touch medium size boobs (because she is maid and I am new master).

"Shiki-sama?" applicable

"Yes, tis I, Shiki-sama, home at last from my arduous journey, the path up the hill is many acres too hilly for human habitation, it must be reduced at the soonest possible moment, I think. Else how can one get a modicum of rest from lactic acid."

She tries to run away. (She is Japanese even though she has pink hair, so she possesses close minded).

I chase her into the house. It was loud. She is screaming. I am not screaming, but chasing. I decide maid is square too. I think I like square now.

I trap her inside a room. The room is empty, devoid of all impressionable objects, as well as any empyrean qualities. Only she is inside, she is human. She is not empyrean.

I say. "I want to touch your boobs. You should let me if you know what is good for you."

She assists, and she say, "I want to know if you love me."

I feel myself falling in love with a girl who is careful enough to ask if a man loves her before letting him touch her boobs.

I tell her, "My love for you is like the eternal spring, it lasts forever just like spring."

She says, "OK, I believe you. You are full of love for me, there is none in your heart you hold dearer, our empyrean bond forged in the adventures of the chase up the stairs will hold steady throughout the travails of young age to old age and to even beyond age, when man has forgotten age and embraced the age of no age. Tis is the strength of our love and our love will hold true forever, and may we cherish that through the act of your placing the macron of your strength on my bosom, and may our love blossom as an example to the world at large forevermore."

It was so. The world is impressed (everyone is easily impressed).

My hands are on her breasts. Her breasts are shaped in such a way to resemble female chests.

Her cries commingle with the flashing brilliance of my eyes as they pierce their way into her hearts of hearts and strike her where she is most vulnerable and exposed to hot flashes of histrionic emotionalism. (Nasu forgets that women are emotional. He makes women sound like men.)

Holding her weakness in my hands, I say.

"I ask of you, are you my new servant."

This is a test, new masters test their servants. That is what the British do. Whatever the British does is cultured. If she lies I will expose her crimes. Then I will keep the lie as blackmail. (This is an observation of Japanese culture that can only be made by outsiders and sociologists).

"Ahh ahh! I am in such grandiloquent pleasure!" That was all she said.

Her pleasure was paramount, but there is no doubt her answer was prevarication. Prevarication is like lying. So similar as to be synonyms. (In this case.)

But first I need proof.

I grasp her breasts tightly and dig my finger nails into the soft flesh. I twist and squeeze with all my might. She screams in pleasurable delight. It is high pitched. "AHHHHHHH!! EAAHIAHH!!"

Proof presents itself.

The door bursts open. A second maid. Her hair is the same color. She looks less square. More septuagenarian.

"I ask of you, is she a servant?"

The other maid sees the first maid's exposed breasts. She does not get the idea and does not expose her own breasts. I judge them to be poorly sized. But they have mediocre size. She nods in response to my question.

Even though the second maid is disobeying my implied orders, I am also relieved. If she exposes her breasts there would be double the number of female breasts to male hands. I do not want to take off my shoes yet. This is a western mansion, westerners wear shoes indoors. It is important to act as a westerner inside a western mansion, and this etiquette extends to the matter of not taking off one's shoes. Additionally, my feet are not very prehensile.

I also have proof of prevarication.

"AHHHHHHH!! EAAHIAHH!!"

The first servant is still screaming. Her pleasure is raising the roof. (Nasu does not understand how important it is to firmly and strongly dig ones' hands into the female breast. Hence his sex scenes are not very realistic.)

I decide that pleasure is an unapt punishment for a lying maid. I stop. Her breasts are now rightly deformed, and twisted. Red marks appear at intervals along the steep surface of her chest-skins, if her breasts were a face, her breasts would be blushing. But breasts are perhaps more like a strobe light, and this strobe like is ON.

Tears stream down her face. I don't want to lick them. But take her face and scrape them on the side of the bed. The sheets now have her tears on them. I might change my mind about licking it later.

Suddenly another girl bursts in.

She looks. Her mouth hangs open, her eyes raise. Her cheeks color with righteous fury. But I think back to the experience with the red breasts, if they are red then it must mean they are aroused.

The new girl's cheeks are aroused. Her face cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

The new girl's mouth opens.

She speaks. Her breasts are not very big. They are extremely small. But that is good. I might be able to fit parts of both into one hand if I really stretch my fingers. There is nothing to grasp. No need for prehensile feet. Her small chest means I need one less limb for this activity.

"You are Akiha? The differences in your appearance from that of our last fateful meeting is astounding, there are many changes to your face as to make you different from that of the little girl I was tearfully torn away from eight years ago. The difference is as great as night and day, Heaven and Hades, the Nile and a puddle, Jupiter and the moon. You have now grown to be a woman of astounding beauty and avuncular poise…"

She speaks. Her mouth opens wide, her hair is aroused. Her chest is still small. I think this but do not say it. (Japanese people are tactful. They often don't speak what they think).

Her hair is very aroused. It looks to be very close. If I do not give it some release soon. She might be frustrated beyond measure. Then what kind of brother would I be? (Akiha is my sister).

I grab her boobs. The traction is sadly deficient. She shirks away. I grab her aroused hair and massage it.

I must give it release. But how? I decide. Draw her close. I kiss her.

She grouses in arousal. My tongue jives into her mouth. It is wet inside. Her hands rip at my arms. I feel her succumb.

I pull away. Her eyes stare, shockingly. Kohaku (first maid), starts to whine. She is jealous, I just told her I love her. She is right, I must be faithful and keep my promises. (Promises are very important to Japanese people). Her hair is not aroused.

I say, "Akiha, I must have possession of Kohaku. From now on she is to reside inside my room and serve me every night. That is my wish."

Akiha, my sister. She says, "No! You cannot have Kohaku, I need Kohaku. For a maid you shall have Hisui, she is most suited to tasks indoors such as you require."

I think. I must respect the wishes of the mistress of this house, I have newly arrived and should not force my will upon others. I must let the women take the lead. Additionally, my Akiha is my family. Family should always take precedence over promises made to girls. (Family is very important in Japan).

Akiha takes Kohaku and I take Hisui. I like it. But Kohaku still cries.

She speaks, of love and love lost and eternal bonds which cannot be eroded being forged in the depths and heights of celestial stars and cavernous abyss.

I say to her, "I transfer the bond to Akiha, we are of one blood, consider us one and the same."

She peers at Akiha frightfully. There is much cajoling from Akiha and Hisui. She agrees to the transfer. She stares at me in hurt. Betrayal. I feel happy at such an agreeable ending.

We discuss things. We have dinner.

Akiha mentions some forks. It is very important to use western utensils in a western house. I drop a fork. I make Hisui pick it up with her mouth.

Akiha objects strongly.

"I refuse." says Hisui.

"Hah, such a refusal is unbecoming of such a possessor of a fine face such as yourself, your refusal shames your face and your entire carriage, putting waste to that fine specimen of godly beauty that you have imbued within you. There is a core there that must want to obey, and I will reach it within you for that is what is right. More importantly, I hold your secret within my power!"

Hisui stares at me dumbly.

"I have PROOF!" I shout. I rise victoriously. My finger flashes toward Kohaku (first maid). "She is a PREVARICATOR! She has misrepresented EVERYTHING, and will be the source of WOE for all in this house. I WILL EXPOSE my proof unless you OBEY me in EVERYTHING."

Kohaku looks at me in shock and shame. Hisui gets the signal from Kohaku. Akiha is amazed. Hisui picks up the fork with her mouth. I make her clean it with her tongue. She does.

The dinner ends successfully. There is much happiness in the house. Akiha asks me what I mean by proof. I can't explain the circumstances, so I will need to apologize.

She is confused. Why am I apologizing, after all I have done nothing wrong. Akiha compliments me on how I have grown into such a fine young man. I am not at all the wimp she was expecting. She has yet to see me faint. (But it is true, the anemia is the only wimpy part of this Shiki).

I retire to bed. I decide not to lick the tears off the sheets. I make Hisui lick them. Hisui would not let me touch her breasts. I punish her by locking her inside the closet. I sleep soundly.

I wake, it is not morning. There are no cicadas chirping outside. Hisui is groaning from inside the closet. Is she the one that woke me?

I double check the closet lock. I go downstairs. I see Akiha in the vestibule. I hear howling outside. I open the door. Akiha spots me and stops me.

I question her intently on what she is doing, is she breeding special dogs? She assures me she is not.

I inform her of the criminality of housing unauthorized wolves within city limits. She is unconvinced. She asks, "What did that kiss mean to you?"

I assure her it meant everything. I return to bed. I think about the hallucinations of the end of the world.

Kohaku wakes me up in the morning. Cicadas are annoying. She is distraught.

Why?

"Hisui is missing," she cries. I go downstairs. I eat breakfast. I see Akiha speaking with police officers at the gate. Akiha talks about Hisui. I talk about wolves. I order the police officers to search the premises for illegal wolf pens. Akiha says, "Hisui would never disappear under normal circumstances."

"Has anything abnormal been happening lately?" I ask.

Akiha assures me that everything is very realistic. I must agree.


	3. Chapter 3

I go to school. I see square Sa-girl and square Arihiko. I talk to Ciel-senpai. She has been my friend for a long time. But I feel she is not square.

She speaks.

"Murderers are nothing to be feared," I say, "If all they can do is kill, then they do not contribute to society, and society will not contribute to them." (Even though Nasu wrote about serious matters, his text lacks the appropriate social criticism.)

Sa-girl is impressed by this deduction. (Everyone is easily impressed).

It is lunch. Sa-girl approaches me. She opens her mouth. I touch her breasts. Her mouth is still open.

We go to the back of the school.

"Speak, Sa-girl, or forever hold your peace, the day is short and shortening all the while, and when the winds do not blow the vibrations in the air carry sound from your breasts to my hair."

She speaks. The wind is loud. I do not hear.

"Then today we shall journey home together, arm in arm, and make merry upon arrival," I declare. I feel her pleasure in my hands.

Class resumes. I faint. I head home early. Suddenly my senses shout out. I see a woman. She is not British. Her skirt is indecorously long. She rounds a corner. I chase.

"Tohno-kun! Wait!"

Inside an apartment. I stop at the door. I take off my glasses. The lines blast into view like a row of flowers. I knock, the door opens. Lines crisscross a sleepy face. I reach for her head with my fingernails. She grabs my hands in surprise.

I am unperturbed. I attack her face with my teeth. She gets the wrong idea. Her lips meet mine. We are locked in a long lip war. Our saliva average their acidity. I cannot see the lines on her tongue. The battle is fruitless.

"Tohno-kun.." A small voice.

I snap my head around. Sa-girl carries a long face.

I feel a tug. My entire body is jerked inside the room.

The white woman brandishes a long speech about the virtues of sex. "That's is why you chased me here right? That is what men do right?" (Nasu doesn't understand that when a woman doesn't have sex for 800 years, she will be very horny). And that is indeed what men do.

I agree readily. I turn back and see Sa-girl's forlorn face. I promised to go home with her today. (In Japan there are no protean promises). I feel sad about leaving her out. I grab her boobs and bring her inside the room.

I massage her sternum.

Very quickly we are all naked and in bed.

… (Sorry, but a realistically serious work must maintain sufficient seriousness to be taken seriously.)

Sa-girl announces her hunger. I ignore her, she is still too square.

But I am hungry too. I paddle naked into the kitchen. There is a lack of victuals. But there is an abundance of knives.

Alarms go off in my head. I pick up a knife. It is sharp.

I return to the bedroom holding it. Arcueid has her nose inhumed in Sa-girl's snatch.

Arcueid is cut into 17 pieces.

Sa-girl looks at me in admiration. "Tohno-kun, from the moment I met you to the moment I first tasted your ejaculate to the moment just now when I am covered by the blood of Arcueid I know and feel that you are different from most people. There lies within you a power that terrifies me and brings fright to your enemies, I see it in evidence now, and I know that many more will experience that frightful sensation. This was your plan all along wasn't it Tohno-kun?"

I smile. "Call me Shiki."

Sa-girl swoons.

I put my head down. What have I done? I have killed an innocent! No this is all a dream! I collapse on the bloody bed.

I wake soon after. Sa-girl is concerned. She wants to know what I am going to do.

I consider killing her, no, that would only add additional blood on my hands. I cannot kill innocents!

Sa-girl ventures her idea. It is: hiding the body and getting rid of the evidence. (That Shiki never got rid of the evidence in the original was very unrealistic.)

I approve. I compliment her. First we wash the body. I open it up to wash the insides. Next we take some boxes and fit the pieces inside. I put the head in my backpack. We walk out to the city center. We find a dark alley.

If the body is found, then the 'vampire killer' will be the prime suspect.

It is dark. Sa-girl whimpers. We put the boxes down. I hear a noise.

"Who is wanders the black alleys in the darkness of the night? Who would occupy this sidewalk cul-de-sac where we plan to hide a body in the hopes that it will be confused for the work of a vampire killer who actually does kill people and hide their bodies in dark alleys in the middle of the night?" And so I declare.

A shape appears. It is bandaged. Sa-girl shrieks. I throw my box at it. I miss. It grabs Sa-girl's boobs. I approve of its hand motions. Its fangs pierce her neck. I shout in surprise.

I run. I am very fast. I probably outran it. I am reminded of a joke.

Two Canadian campers accidentally come upon a hungry wolf. Canadian one starts putting on his running shoes. Canadian two says, "What are you doing? You cannot outrun a wolf!"

Canadian one says, "I don't need to outrun the wolf, I only need to outrun you!"

I laugh. It is a funny joke. I approach the foot of the hill. I remember being given a white ribbon by a quiet girl. The ribbon is now inside my desk in my room. I will have to make use of it.

Hisui is not waiting for me at the gate. I go in.

Akiha questions me. I tell her I am late because I wished to do homework alone in the park. I question her about Hisui. She tells me Hisui is being punished for having gotten herself locked in the closet. Searching for her caused Akiha to be late to school this morning. What insolence. How did Akiha punish her? Locked her in the closet naturally.

I beam. Akiha swoons. I pat her boobs.

I am in my room. Finally I can take a rest. It is hard work hiding evidence. I am proud of my…

Oh no the head! It is still in my backpack. I lock the door. I open my bag and place the head on my desk. I am panicking. (It is normal to panic in this situation, this is not a sign of a wimp).

I stare hard at its lips. I wonder if I can force its mouth open wide enough.

Her eyes shoot open. It transfixes me. It intones, "I will have you take responsibility for killing me."

"AHH!" I shout. I grab the head in horror and throw it inside the closet.

There is screaming from inside the closet. That may be too much for the poor girl. I find the white ribbon and throw it inside too.

There, that mollified her.


	4. Chapter 4

Dinner was a torpid affair - for me. Kohaku spoon-fed me.

"No, you're ceaselessly making errors, sufficient to filled up a jumbo plane Kohaku! Have you never been properly educated in spoon-feeding etiquette? That fork must be picked up only in the crock of your ring finger. Do not crease the serviette, must you be so incompetent. Do not make me go over there service Nii-san personally because of your incapacity to do right by anyone or anything."

So Akiha exclaimed.

I silenced her. I showed Kohaku my appreciation. I touched her breasts.

I stand in the middle of my room. I ponder the murder.

I knock on the closet softly.

"Hisui, I order you to speak to me from within your wooden enclosure, take care to speak in your smallest possible voice while allowing me to hear, for the matter we are about to discuss is delicate and may have ruinous results if overheard by the wrong parties, especially duplicitous servants such as your sister. Do you understand?"

"Good, Hisui, inform me of any updates the head has given you, that includes any words the blondie says or any strange flashes of the eye."

"What? How could this be, what do you mean you gave her your blood? Stop this babbling about fluid exchange and give me the all important updates!"

I seethe at Hisui's lack of cooperation. Despite her abject condition I decide to prolong her imprisonment. The disturbance in the closet is too much to bear. She is making a lot of noise. I head to the hall. I stop in front of Akiha's room. I knock.

"Finally, Nii-san, you've come for me. I felt this day would come, though you do not know it, we share a connection beyond even the powers of fate, our lives are intertwined by the miracle of life itself."

"Naturally, you are my sister. But I've come not for you, do you have knockout drugs?"

Akiha stares at me dumbly.

I sigh in exasperation. "The ones you use on your illegal wolves."

Akiha shakes her head. I reach out and touch her hair. I grab a priapic fistful.

"I have failed you Nii-san…"

I consider. "Then my judgment is thus, our inability to resolve the Hisui situation has caused me dire emotional and psychological turmoil, inescapable pain, and vainglorious rictus. My legs are tired and my head is depraved, I am in need of rest and womanly succor and the only thing that can save me is luxuries and riches beyond my wildest dreams. That's why I have decided we must switch rooms."

Akiha understands at once. "I will brave a night of Hisui howling for you Nii-san, no, not merely a night, many a nights as large and few between as you wish, do not forget my devotion for it shines upon you like non-other."

Yeahhhhh….

I enter. The heart of darkness. I turn the lights on. Kohaku sits staring on a chair. Her face is wet with tears - a horror! I scream, a realistically powerful and manly scream which echoes cavernously like the death throes of some mythical beast, a dragon perhaps.

Akiha comes running.

"What possessed you to dwell with that… that… PREVARICATOR! Her frightful visage and vengeful ways will throw my nights into those of eternal fetor, as if some prurient devil has had a night of coprophilic coition right in the midst of your luscious perfumes!"

Akiha looks at Kohaku and back at me.

"You really don't trust her," she says wistfully.

I nod vigorously.

Akiha makes an outrageous suggestion. Sleep in the same room? Impossible! Even she could protect me from Kohaku (Japanese sensibilities). But then I remember the head. If I let Akiha into my room she might learn of it! I agree readily, inhibitions be damned!

We settle into Akiha's bed. Akiha is in the middle. She deigns to protect me from Kohaku.

"Ugh!" Kohaku groans from the floor.

"Ugh!" That was Akiha.


End file.
